I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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