My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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