"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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