i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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