Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
