My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
