Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
