peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
