By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
