my phone needs a breathalizer
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
