Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
