i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
third nipple confirmed
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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