My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
