I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
