She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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