We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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