He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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