Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
