it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
