Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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