Umm I'm too high to move.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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