he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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