Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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