I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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