I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
