Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
