my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
