Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
