I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
