Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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