When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
