well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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