I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
