i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
