i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
