I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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