On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
