She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
