he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
