We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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