Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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