Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
