Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
