I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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