It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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