three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
