It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk is not a location!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
