New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
