We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We smell like vodka and hangover
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