Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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